Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Doctors - a long post
I write this post while dabbing my eyes. Then I let it sit in the background for a few hours before posting. I wanted to cut out some areas. You know. Highlight. Delete. BUT I’ve decided to just leave it. Sometimes I ask myself if I’m slowly losing my mind. Or maybe it’s just the fact that I am giving up bits and pieces of control (think PRINCESS) and therefore feel like I don’t have complete control over the unknown ... Read on … This week (and it’s ONLY Tuesday), two paralegals that I’ve worked with on several real estate deals have passed on. Suddenly. Both on clear blue days. Where everything was beautiful. Everything was just fine. What a shock. To me. And to everyone who’s ever had the pleasure of working with them. Their bosses, who are attorneys. Generally, most people have the wrong impression that attorneys are cold hearted. Not so with the majority I deal with. One was sobbing as he told me over the phone. I can’t even imagine what it must be like for the families. All this after my not so kind conversation with my husband on Friday evening. To the point where I just got snotty (ok really, shitty) and just stomped off to bed all pissed off. I have made an appointment to go see the doctor. Just the general health one. Blood work, etc. I suppose it’s considered bad, in the way that my theory is if I feel fine, why do I need to go in and see the doctor? Chances are, they will TRY to find something wrong as that’s what they are for, right? I guess maybe I don’t think like the other 95% of the population. Hubby has been on me for a while to get in for a checkup. Just to be sure. So I made the appointment. This morning. She was trying to book me for the last day of the month (like 2 ½ weeks away or so) and I asked if she had something sooner, as I know that I would most likely cancel the appointment as I’m sure it’s not going to be convenient. We settle on next Wednesday at 9:15am. Yippee. I’m so thrilled. Here I am, at work. Weepy. And thinking. Thinking. Not a good thing, you know? Do I tell the doctor about how I feel? I mean, really FEEL? Do I tell her about the feelings of fear? Danger? I mean FEAR folks. AND DANGER. Real fear. And I can not for the life of me remember what show its’ from but “Danger! Danger! Danger!” It’s like my motto. A joke among my friends, but not really. Fear. Not so much to paralyze me, but enough to make me squeeze my eyes shut for a minute to refocus. Here’s an example (which is probably not a good one, but regardless), Hubby is getting off the boat. The boat sits pretty damn high on the lift. You kind of have to do a little jump to get ON the dock. Not like we both haven’t been doing this for the past 20 years or so … but still. When I see him getting ready to do it, I have to turn my back OR squeeze my eyes shut because I’m AFRAID that he’s going to miss and fall in the water. Or worse, fall and hit his head. Or what if he falls on his left arm/hand and shatters it again?? Or…or…or … well, there you have it. Driving? Forget it. I have to just keep to myself. I am petrified that someone is going to NOT stop at the stop sign. OR they won’t stop before they get in my lane. Which makes me a very very cautious driver. Not a bad thing, but I can really see this being a problem down the road. OR … yeah, more than 2 examples. The cat. The damn cat. He jumps on my bed to the big dresser to the high window. Between the wall and headboard beneath the big window is a gap of oh, 8 inches or so, then the bed frame pushes up against the wall about 2 feet from the floor. So we have about 4 feet or so of the gap. I am AFRAID the cat is going to slip, mis-step, be stupid, whatever, and fall into that gap. HOW am I going to move a 400 lb bed away from the wall if that happens?? How? Danger. It’s all around me. Daily. Of course, everyone around me thinks I’m overreacting and just ignore it or downplay it all. Which of course, makes me freak out even more J So does anyone out there have any self diagnosis to offer up? Uggg. See why I do not want to go to the doctor?? Is she going to think I’m nuts?? Or is it anxiety? Or is it like I said in the beginning, my fear of losing control? What? I'm a little curious now how this will all work out in the end. Could it just be stress? Unhappiness? Anxiety (again)? Pre-menopause crap? Oh god, I really hope its not the last thing. That means we are all DOOMED (really)!